Here It Is.

Alright all you lovely Canadians (and those remaining faithful Americans). I've been gone for a really time; I'm sorry I have not been here like I promised you I would be. I am so sorry. But I'm back now, and I hope that it's not to late to try and fix this. Infamously, I announce my disclaimer: nothing in this blog post or any other post (reposted or original) is intended to be hurtful, offensive, degrading, etc. This blog is my personal space, and I choose to share it with you all who choose to read it. Thank you for your understanding and patience.


I've had to read the play-version of The Crucible for my AP (advanced placement) English class. For those of you who don't know, it's about the Salem witch trials of 1692, and Arthur Miller (the play write of the play) wrote it during the Red Scare of the 1950's and '60's to show the relation between the paranoia of the 1600's, and the continuance of ignorance and selfishness that still exists to this very day.

The town/village that the play takes place in is a  strictly puritan community. The children are not permitted to speak to unless spoken to first, and admitting you did  something wrong, or 'confessing your sins', is WORSE than whatever it is that you did wrong. It doesn't matter what you do, if you are not perfect, than you are forever worthless and shameful. Let me tell you something, folks: that idea, that way of thinking, has NOT changed in some people.

I live this way every day, and I am not a puritan. As some of you know, I am a Christian. And I believe that God forgives me of my sins when I confess them, and that He wants to help me; that He loves me and cares for me.

I come home from school, and no one but my boyfriend of 5 years says anything to me. Everyone else ignores me. Like I am not even in the room. I go upstairs to put my stuff down, and take out my homework, and after a few minutes, my mom (of course), yells to me to come downstairs and says that I hide in my room and never come down or acknowledge that there are other people living in the house. Her boyfriend, whom we shall call K, treats me and apparently tells my mom that he thinks I'm basically a piece of sh*t, that I'm irresponsible, dimwitted, and that I do whatever I want with no regard for anyone else. Oh, and that I use everyone to get what I want. Kind of like a prostitute. SO...

I sit here, mute and still. Afraid that if I move, I will set someone off some how, and that I will not be able to make it better. And I don't want people to get mad at me, or upset with me; I most certainly don't want them getting upset with me and taking it out on J (my boyfriend mentioned above ^^ ).

I fought tooth and nail for him to be able to live here because it wasn't working where he was, and his parents didn't want him (ironic, huh?); and now he's stuck here in the middle of all of this, and I brought him here. Because I was selfish and just wanted to be with him all the time. I didn't think what would happen, or what it would do to him. I just wanted to be with him. And it's hurting him more than it's helping him.

What the hell do I do?






Have you ever felt like nothing you do is ever good enough? Like it doesn't matter how well you do in school, how hard you work at your job, or how much you love someone, it's just never good enough? And the more you try, the worse it gets?

No?


Okay.


Thanks for listening.


I'm going to try to sleep now.

Maybe not.