Internal Affairs

Well well well, what have we here?
Another liar, ass hole, con artist, and possibly the newest love of my life.
And all of those ^^ wonderful things, have been rolled up into one big douche bag of a guy!
The kicker?
It's the same douche bag from the "Army Wives" I posted a few months ago.
My life.

Here's the story:

Army guy dumped me, and he told me initially it was because he "didn't want any distractions over seas, and [he] didn't want to hold [me] back while [he] was gone..."

Stupid me, I believed him. I find out a few days before he deploys that that wasn't the real reason. The real reason was even worse...
He dumped me because he was in love with someone else. Whom I admittedly had suspicions about in the beginning...but I tried to be optimistic.
Then we stopped talking for a few months because I had assumed he had deployed like he said he was going to. Well, he didn't. He didn't deploy that day, the next time, or even the third time.


Now, he's taking Malaria pills and is packing his things for a deployment sometime this week.

Well shit.

Not only is he deploying on this unspecified day, but on the same day, my best friend is graduating AIT training and I will be there with Tom to pick him up in SC.

What a bitter sweet day that will be.

You intelligent, focused readers of mine have to be wondering by now how does this relate to internal affairs?

Good thing I've seen every episode of House...twice....and can make impeccable metaphors to explain my feelings of hatred and anger as more acceptable and noticeable forms of the warm and fuzzy feelings I have bundled up inside me.

There's a school bus. It holds 72 passengers, including the driver. One can assume each of the other 71 passengers is a student, small enough to slide three of them into one seat 26 times. But, with th eobesity epidemic and the lack of children the size of new born babies, those numbers don't exactly work. You could fit two average size kids into one seat 26 times. Making for 32 kids, and one drive totaling 33 passengers. When we take into consideration the fact that there is always that one 'fat' kid, and a few kids who probably have anti-social personality disorder, which means these kids would be sitting by themselves. Most likely, there would be approximately 8 of these, which means thats 8 other kids that have to find other seats or just not ride the bus.

Needless to say,
I suck at metaphors.
On one side of the bus sits a little guy, completely thrown into the friend-zone.
On the other side of the bus, sits this macho guy trying to be cool and tough and playing with my feelings but he's just my type and I can't help but keep trying to get his attention. What do I dooooo.

I really like this Army douche bag, but I can't tell if he really likes me too. And, the friend-zone invader keeps trying to escape and is no going to give up. I told him I'm not mentally or physically ready for a relationship yet and I quite frankly don't feel that way towards him, and he just keeps on trucking!

How do people do this thing...
How do people relationship?

Maybe I should just wait to meet a handsome hunk that's the doppelganger of Johnny Bravo and call it quits.

Sometimes, I wish you guys would comment so I had something good and interesting and meaningful to write about.

People.

Hello!
I've been thinking a lot lately about society and how we as people interact with each other. You know, I think these interactions are pretty shitty. So, I wrote a little story -- kind of.
You see, the first part of the story was written two weeks ago, when I was all excited for this school dance with my friends and this guy I really liked -- we'll call him B. So, it begins quite nicely, kind of funny, sort of running with the notions and styles of The Catcher in the Rye and that books notorious main character Holden Caulfield.

Then, I wrote a little last week, when I was feeling quite depressed and lonely. I really just needed to poor my feelings out onto a piece of paper and in a way compartmentalize these feelings as someone else's.

Then, this past Friday, the 7th, I was very angry. Why? Well, because T -- a very well loved and cared for person in my life -- lied about very serious things. And then proceeded to blow them off as if my wanting to know he was safe and okay was the wrong thing for me to do, and thus the anger I felt when I discovered his deceptions was also the wrong emotion to be feeling.
So,  me being me, I wrote about these feelings of anger and frustration and continue on what parts of the story I had already written. I have not decided yet on whether or not to continue on this story, or just leave it where it is. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to comment!
(I'm working on building this page to have something like a suggestions page and other things so it's cool and stuff and appealing)

STORY TIME!

Once upon a time there was a princess. If that' what you wanna believe. Let's be honest here -- we all know that is the biggest pile of bullshit ever. There is never a princess who is actually innocent and sweet and does all her make-believe chores. You can be damn sure she isn't really going to meet Prince Charming at the ball, either. She's probably going to her best friends house to hookah and make their Kandi costumes for the up coming rave in the village.

Anyways...

So there she was!, in all her pompous glory. Like the Regina George of fairytale land, she strolled down the corridors of her make-shift castle like her shit don't stink. Not like anyone would really notice her little sister slouching around behind her; acting like her big sister is just the coolest thing ever. Secretly, this little girl is just waiting to watch her sister fall apart.No one else notices the way her older sister never uses her real name Patricia, or how her eyes are always puffy and red from god knows how many countless hours of crying. In the real world, little sisters are spoiled and Princesses never shed a tear.

But here, in this life, we all know the messed up ways in which whoever is in control of our existence gets his kicks; allowing pretty girls to cry, ugly girls to get the fame and fortune, and for our exteriors to look the opposite of our self-decorated interior designs. Who the hell gives a shit why princesses cry? Who cares about her little sister who is harboring hatred and waiting for her opportunity to execute her revenge? No one.

Princess Bitch and Little Sister are just two microscopic specs in a series of chaotic, unorganized, unconventional ink blots tossed onto a piece of paper. Easily burned and torn, with nothing left to preserve or recycle.

No one really gives a shit about anything they have to say because of how stuck up they are. People hate everyone. We just pretend to like certain people to satisfy our need for self-preservation.

Maybe Princess Gold-y-Locks is crying because Prince Douchebag died in a courageous battle against the trolls of the interwebs. Or, what if she learns the King isn't her real father and she has no real ties to the royal family she's grown to love as he own? Her best friend died saving someone from drowning in the moat, her sister was diagnosed with stage four cancer, maybe her brother committed suicide.

But no, people just have to find hat little shred of hope humanity has left and burn it; fueling the fire with their words of hatred, conceit, ignorance, and cruelty. Our princess holds her head high in order to show her strength, the kind of willingness to move forward she dares her little sister to learn and master. What makes this princess seem pompous, over-glorified, self-centered, is exactly what we see in ourselves as evil and undesirable. What makes this princess so untouchable is the reflection of ourselves we paint on her face! Her sister -- in all her whining and neediness -- is the truth! She is the prodigal daughter of humanity, crying out for life and attention. This mini-mistress of hope is too little to be taken seriously, too young to be counted on, too naïve to considered wise and other wise useful.

In the real world, everyone wants to be famous; everyone wants to have the world know our name. But shouldn't it be enough to have and give hope as the last generation to have examples of true hope and value? What makes our dear princess popular is what makes us hate her: her beauty, curves, money, looks, fame.

Everything she is grateful for n life is what we envy for our own miserable pathetic excuses for existence. The sister, everything we dream of becoming but sit idly by as we continue to be astounded when we fail miserably at obtaining these qualities. These girls, held high above our heads as we fight to constantly tear them and destroy them to simply maintain a sense of dignity and self-righteousness.

We are people of hatred, nothing more.

How the class of 2015 Analyzes Character

Sammy the Hammy

      

    Sammy, the narrator in John Updike’s “A&P”, is an immature, judgemental, ignorant teen aged boy. Because the author is speaking as the story’s narrator, most of what is depicted in the first two paragraphs accurately portrays Sammy’s initial character.

Sammy first notices the girls as they walk into the store and describes them as “these three girls” (1). It is safe to assume that ‘these three girls’ are not the only group of three females to ever enter the store, so to describe them so casually despite Sammy’s obvious interest in them is immature for his nineteen years of age. Upon describing the customer he was supposed to be tending to at the check-out line, Sammy describes her as “a witch about fifty” (1). Not only does this diction choice show how rude he is, Sammy is also immature in his momentary judgements. This women may not have time to stand around and wait for this young man to carry out his job at a lackadaisical pace. By the way she responds to Sammys inefficiencies -- “she gives me a snort in passing” (2) -- this is not the first time he has become distracted. Including the fact that he later refers to one of the girls as “queen” (2) and places this label on the girl he has not met yet nor made any effort to introduce himself to shows how immature he is when meeting new people that either threaten him because of his/her -- in this case her-- demeanor or physical appearances.

    Although Sammy is significantly immature for his age, he is also judgemental of those around him that he finds to be less than himself or not adequate for his personal standards. Specifically in the second paragraph, he describe all three of the girls by pointing out their flaws and how close they are to being good-looking, but haven’t quite made it there yet:

    “There was this chunky on, with the two-piece -- it was bright green and the seams on the bra were still sharp and her belly was still pretty pale so I guessed she just got it (the suit) -- there was this on, with one of those chubby berry-faces, the lips all bunched together under her nose, this one, and a tall one, with black hair that hadn’t quite frizzed right, and one of these sunburns right across under the eyes, and a chin that was too long -- you know, the kind of girl other girls think is very “striking” or “attractive” but never quite makes it, as they very well know, which is why they like her so much -- and then the third one, that wasn’t quite so tall. She was the Queen. She kind of led them, the other two peeking around and making their shoulders round. She didn’t look around, not this queen, she just walked straight on slowly, on these long white prima-donna legs.” (2)

By using diction like “chubby” and “chunky” and phrases like “hadn’t quite frizzed right”, “a chin that was too long”, and “never quite make it”, Sammy demonstrates to the audience that he is judgemental of the imperfections he finds in other people. Not only does Sammy point out flaws in theres girls, but he does so with the older woman in the check out line as well by making the snide remark of her lack of eyebrows and the seemingly unattractive “rouge on her cheekbones” (1). Sammy continues to display negative character traits into the end of the second paragraph when he begins to analyze how the ‘queen’ walks.

    Including most of the citations in the paragraphs above, Sammy thoroughly displays his ignorance towards women throughout the story, but more densely in the first two paragraphs. By making the comment “You never know for sure how girls’ minds work…” is two simply say that neither does Samy  not care for how the female mind works, but nor does he really know that the male and female brains basic functions are nearly the same. Reinforcing the notion that Sammy is oblivious in his ability to understand the basics about girls, he continues the previous sentence with the appositive phrase “(do you really think it’s a mind in there or just a little buzz like a bee in a glass jar?)” (2) Sammys inability to recognize that these women are probably toying with him by coming in the store dressed the way they are and his comment on the presence or absence of a mind in any female shows his ignorance of girls.  

    Sammy is a nine-teen year-old boy, who sees these three girls who walk into the store he works at in their bathing suits -- most likely to toy with him -- and immediately begins to display how immature, judgemental, and ignorant he is for his age and demonstrates this through the things he says and the details he points out in those around him.

   

The Effects of Punishment -- and Other Influential Stimuli -- On Behavior (By Yours Truly)

The Effects of Punishment -- and Other Influential Stimuli -- On Behavior 

    Punishment decreases an undesired behavior. There are two kinds of punishment: positive and negative punishment. Positive punishment is -- according to the Exploring Psychology: Sixth Edition in Modules by David G. Myers -- the “administer[ing of] an aversive stimulus” (265) Whereas negative punishment would be the opposite: withdrawal of a desired stimulus. Although punishment is a significantly effective tool in changing one's behavior, there are other ways to influence and correct a behavior using devices such as modeling, classical conditioning, and reinforcements.

    Modeling has quite the influence on behavior -- especially in children. By using negative punishment such as spanking and screaming, children will demonstrate these behaviors in other situations where he/she is confronted with someones else behavior he/she finds to be undesirable. In a study observing aggressive behaviors in children published in the Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology: Transmission of aggression through imitation of aggressive models  (1961) --republished in Forty Studies that Changed Psychology: Explorations into the History of Psychological Research Seventh Edition by Roger R. Hock -- Bandura observed that “children who were exposed to...violent models tended to imitate the exact violent behaviors the observed.” (89) In lamens terms, by spanking a child as punishment for something he/she did that is wrong/inadequate, the parent/guardian is modeling aggressive behavior that should be accepted as a form of communicating ones dissatisfaction. This, as many people believe, is not socially acceptable -- to teach ones child that hitting is acceptable and screaming as a form of communication when you’re mad is okay. By demonstrating aggressive behavior, one introduces his/her child to imitative learning -- teaching them to be aggressive -- and allows said child to transition said behaviors to other settings such as school, the playground, or other social settings. Also, it is important to note that in this study, neither the model of aggression or non aggression were rewarded, nor were the children when observed for behavioral changed.

    Of course, the other way to change one's behavior is through reinforcements. Reinforcements are devices that are used to encourage or discourage ones behavior. Positive reinforcements are typically used to increase a valued or desired behavior by administering a reward to the subject in question. These rewards can be either Primary reinforcements of negative reinforcements. Primary reinforcements are stimuli that the subject already enjoys such as food, praise, money, etc. Negative reinforcements are stimuli that the subject would have to ‘learn’ to enjoy, for example, taking off ones shoes when in pain, reading a personally chosen book after completion of an assigned reading task. Although most reinforcements are positive stimuli, one could presume that negative stimuli would have similar effects in increasing or decreasing a behavior.

    SImilarly, Pavlov and Watson both has done studies -- also published in Forty Studies (Pavlov 65) and (Watson 72) -- on classically conditioned behaviors and responses. Pavlov pioneered the study of behavior and classical conditioning, paving the way for Watson to demonstrate the role conditioning has in behaviors. To summarize, Watson studied the conditioning of irrational fears in an infant (Albert was 11 months old when the conditioning began). Although applying current ethics laws this study was completely unethical and wrong, Watson discovered many things through his study with Little Albert such as the formation of phobias and sexual fetishes. By implementing a fear-inducing stimuli in the presence of an object previously neutral, one can create a conditioned response of fear to said object. This type of conditioning could be useful in changing a child's undesired behavior by administering a stimuli that is undesirable to the child such as a loud noise, a slight shock or feeling of pain, etc. Although spanking would be considered by many to be an aversive undesirable stimuli to most children, some have completed the extinction phase of conditioning: when one loses the conditioned response due to lack of experiencing the conditioned stimuli causing the conditioned response.

    Not only in children does one find undesirable behavior, but also in adults. No matter how one ethically views spanking, rewards, or conditioning, changing aversive behavior is important to maintaining a safe social environment. In the larger scheme of life, a combination of punishment, negative and positive reinforcement, followed by some behavioral conditioning, would logically maximize the desired behavior and, by reason, decrease the undesired or aversive behavior.

Them Feels

The feeling you get when you have a wonderful academic day and then all of sudden you are in a relationship with the person you care most about <3
First, I was commended on my analytical skills in my AP Literature class. Then, I received congratulations on being the only one to ace my anatomy and physiology test. Now, I am officially in a relationship with T, and I could not be happier. <3
I am looking for subjects to blog about, as I am at a loss for words for my happiness at the moment...any suggestions?

Army Wives

Okay. So no. I'm not married. But that doesn't mean I can't love a man in the army. My best friend and true love, T, is being deployed over seas soon. And it makes me sad. I struggle with communication while he's gone, but I have a wonderful support named B. Who is in fact engaged to an army man. ❤️ Before I get into all of the fun and exciting opinions of love and distant relationships, I shall catch you all up on the 411 of J. 

    J was abusive. Verbally. And physically. I am no longer with him, praise Jesus. I care for him as he is a person who changed my life and taught me a valuable lesson about character and moral, I wish him luck in exploring himself and dealing with his mental problems. This was about two months ago. I've lost weight, gained muscle mass, I'm taking three AP classes this year, and after I graduate from high school in June I will be taking an LNA class over the summer and then I will be going to med school. This would not be possible if J and I were still together. 

    Now, for my love. 

T and I have been friends for about 3 years. And I care for him more than anyone. Since I cannot send him letters and correspond daily, my trusty blog will be my way of writing to him daily on school, life, and how much I miss him. When he comes home in June, I will be the happiest person alive. Our first kiss. Our first hug in years. ❤️ As of this moment, we are not officially a couple. But my heart will be his always. When we text to say goodnight and wish each  other well things like this happen that make my night one million times better:

The support I've discovered in an unlikely friend, B, is incredible. And I could not ask for a better person to able to go to. I am truly thankful for her and her bravery. I never thought two years ago I'd be I love with an army man. But here I am. Head over heels. I enjoy his presence. His voice. His smile. The way he makes me laugh and giggle. He has always been a gentleman. He allows me to be myself, and he likes me for it. I truly am going to focus on my senior year of highschool, getting into med school, and moving forward with him in my life permanently. 

    Highschool has this mysterious way of changing your life forever. Things you thought you'd do from middle school are no longer in your plan for life, and people you've never though you'd need are your rock. I'm a very happy person today. And I'm so happy I get to share it with you all. Goodnight (: